Alone: Treasures and Pains 

There are treasures and pains that come with being alone. Let's start with the good stuff. I like being alone because it gives me time to rest, to think about my next steps, to close off the world from any emotions I don't want them to see, and to do what I want to do.

When I'm alone, I find sanctuary from the hazards of the world: gossip spillage, negativity contamination, and worry pollution. These things can drain anyone. Being alone does keep me sane. I appreciate alone time because I can gather my strength before I step back into the world. When I'm alone, I am in "Jeannie's World", where I am in control.

The counterpart, and a noun I despise - Loneliness. Same family, but they can have significant differences. When I associate loneliness with alone, there's trouble. There's pain. This is where the phrase "I don't want to be alone" becomes a negative, painful thing. There's meaning behind it, so deep of a meaning, that it can create a domino effect of sadness with anyone that bothers to ask the person the source of why they express such a phrase.

As I sit on my bed at 2:54 am, restless and contemplating on a lot that has happened in the last month, I can say that I've flipped to both sides of the "alone" coin.

I've had my heart broken. I don't put blame on the cause of this brokenness, for I am sure I have caused brokenness in return to the source. I am alone now, and such loneliness can be good, because I get to retract back to myself. I get to step back to see what actually happened, and learn from it. I gain a better understanding, and full appreciation of my life and the people in it. I get a chance to redeem myself from well - myself. I get to see how I can heal me, and find ways to get myself back on my own two feet. It's difficult, but feels so good knowing that I do have control of my feelings and choices. It's an affirming experience.

The painful thing with being alone is that loneliness strikes me. My fond outines and the simple pleasures of what was before have changed dramatically. I see that I can't have what makes me whole. The hard part is slowly accepting it. I wake up realizing that I'm only 99% alive, and that 1%, though looking small in quantity, is actually huge in quality. Not having that one more thing to keep me going, and to keep me hoping hurts 100%. I also get haunted by the joys of before that i know I can't have anymore, or at least to the extent that it was.

In time, they say I will heal. I say I will heal, too. In the mean time, I have been advised to just feel. Feel my pains, my treasures, everything. Feel what was before, and what will be. Feel now. I guess it will be all right to do all these. I just wish that I can be filled again. But in the mean time, I must be alone and face its treasures and pains.